The Ideal Husband

The Ideal Husband

Prophet
Muhammad personifies the roles of perfect father and husband. He was so
kind and tolerant with his wives that they could not envisage their
lives without him, nor did they want to live away from him. He married
Sawdah, his second wife, while in Makkah. After a while, he wanted to
divorce her for certain reasons. She was extremely upset at this news
and implored him, "O Messenger of Allah, I wish no worldly thing of
you. I will sacrifice the time allocated to me if you don't want to
visit me. But please don't deprive me of being your wife. I want to go
to the hereafter as your wife. I care for nothing else" (Muslim).


The Messenger did not divorce her, nor did he stop visiting her.

Once
he noticed that Hafsah was uncomfortable over their financial
situation. "If she wishes, I may set her free," he said, or something
to that effect. This suggestion so alarmed her that she requested
mediators to persuade him not to do so. He kept his faithful friend's
daughter as his trusted wife.

Separation Calamity

All
of his wives viewed separation from the Messenger of Allah as a
calamity, so firmly had he established himself in their hearts. They
were completely at one with him. They shared in his blessed, mild, and
natural life. If he had left them, they would have died of despair. If
he had divorced one of them, she would have waited at his doorstep
until the Last Day.


After his death, there was much
yearning and a great deal of grief. Abu Bakr and `Umar found the
Messenger's wives weeping whenever they visited them. Their weeping
seemed to continue for the rest of their lives. Muhammad left an
everlasting impression on everyone. At one point, he had nine wives and
dealt equally with all of them and without any serious problems. He was
a kind and gentle husband, and never behaved harshly or rudely. In
short, he was the perfect husband.




Each of his wives thought that she was his most beloved.

A few days before his death, he said, "A servant has been allowed to choose this world or his Lord. He chose his Lord"
(Al-Bukhari). Abu Bakr, intelligent and smart, began to cry,
understanding that the Prophet was talking about himself. His illness
got worse daily, and his severe headache caused him to writhe in pain.
But even during this difficult period, he continued to treat his wives
with kindness and gentleness. He asked for permission to stay in one
room, as he had no strength to visit them one by one. His wives agreed,
and the Messenger spent his last days in `A'ishah's room.

Most Beloved

Each
wife, because of his generosity and kindness, thought she was his most
beloved. The idea that any man could show complete equality and
fairness in his relationships with nine women seems impossible. For
this reason, the Messenger of Allah asked God's pardon for any
unintentional leanings. He would pray, "I may have
unintentionally shown more love to one of them than the others, and
this would be injustice. So, O Lord, I take refuge in Your grace for
those things beyond my power." (At-Tirmidhi).

What
gentleness and sensitivity! I wonder if anyone else could show such
kindness to his children or spouses. When people manage to cover up
their lower inborn tendencies, it is as if they have done something
very clever and shown tremendous willpower. But they sometimes expose
these very defects unconsciously while bragging of their cleverness.
The Messenger, despite showing no fault, sought only God's forgiveness.



His gentleness penetrated his wives' souls so deeply that
his departure led to what they must have felt to be an unbridgeable
separation. They did not commit suicide, as Islam forbids it, but their
lives now became full of endless sorrow and ceaseless tears.

The
Messenger was kind and gentle to all women, and advised all other men
to follow him in this regard. Sa`d ibn Abi Waqqas described his
kindness as follows:

`Umar said: One day I went to the Prophet and saw him smiling. "May God make you smile forever, O Messenger of God," I said, and asked why he was smiling. "I smile at those women. They were chatting in front of me before you came. When they heard your voice, they all vanished,"
he answered still smiling. On hearing this answer, I raised my voice
and told them, "O enemies of your own selves, you are scared of me, but
you are not scared of the Messenger of God, and you don't show respect
to him." "You are hard-hearted and strict," they replied. (Al-Bukhari )



`Umar also was gentle to women. However, the most handsome
man looks ugly when compared to Joseph's beauty. Likewise, `Umar's
gentleness and sensitivity seem like violence and severity when
compared to those of the Prophet. The women had seen the Messenger's
gentleness, sensitivity, and kindness, and so regarded `Umar as strict
and severe. Yet `Umar shouldered the caliphate perfectly and became one
of the greatest examples after the Prophet. He was a just ruler and
strove to distinguish right from wrong. His qualities enabled him to be
caliph. Some of his qualities might seem rather severe; however, those
very qualities enabled him to shoulder very demanding responsibilities.


Consultation

The
Prophet did consult with his wives. The Messenger discussed matters
with his wives as friends. Certainly he did not need their advice,
since he was directed by revelation. However, he wanted to teach his
nation that Muslim men were to give women every consideration. This was
quite a radical idea in his time, as it is today in many parts of the
world. He began teaching his people through his own relationship with
his wives.

For example, the conditions laid down in the Treaty
of Hudaybiyah disappointed and enraged many Muslims, for one condition
stipulated that they could not make the pilgrimage that year. They
wanted to reject the treaty, continue on to Makkah, and face the
possible consequences. But the Messenger ordered them to slaughter
their sacrificial animals and take off their pilgrim attire. Some
Companions hesitated, hoping that he would change his mind. He repeated
his order, but they continued to hesitate. They did not oppose him;
rather, they still hoped he might change his mind, for they had set out
with the intention of pilgrimage and did not want to stop half way.

Noticing
this reluctance, the Prophet returned to his tent and asked Umm
Salamah, his wife accompanying him at that time, what she thought of
the situation. So she told him, fully aware that he did not need her
advice. In doing this, he taught Muslim men an important social lesson:
There is nothing wrong with exchanging ideas with women on important
matters, or on any matters at all.

She said, "O Messenger of
God, don't repeat your order. They may resist and thereby perish.
Slaughter your sacrificial animal and change out of your pilgrim
attire. They will obey you, willingly or not, when they see that your
order is final" (Al-Bukhari).

He immediately took a knife in
his hand, went outside, and began to slaughter his sheep. The
Companions began to do the same, for now it was clear that his order
would not be changed.


Counsel and consultation, like every
good deed, were practiced by God's Messenger first within his own
family and then in the wider community. Even today, we understand so
little about his relationships with his wives that it is as if we are
wandering aimlessly around a plot of land, unaware of the vast treasure
buried below our feet.

Two Halves

Women
are secondary beings in the minds of many, including those
self-appointed defenders of women's rights as well as many
self-proclaimed Muslim men. In Islam, a woman is part of a whole, a
part that renders the other half useful. We believe that when the two
halves come together, the true unity of a human being appears. When
this unity does not exist, humanity does not exist — nor can
prophethood, sainthood, or even Islam.

Our Prophet encouraged us through his enlightening words to behave kindly to women. He declared, "The most perfect believers are the best in character, and the best of you are the kindest to their families"
(Abu Dawud and At-Tirmidhi). It is clear that women have received the
true honor and respect they deserve, not just in theory but in actual
practice, only once in history — during the period of Prophet Muhammad.


This World or the Next

The wives of the Messenger were given the choice of remaining with him or leaving:

[ O
Prophet, say to your wives: "If you desire the life of this world and
its glitter, then come! I will provide for your enjoyment and set you
free in a handsome manner. But if you seek God, His Messenger, and the
Home of the Hereafter, verily God has prepared for you, the well-doers
among you, a great reward." ] (Al-Ahzab 33:29)

A few
of his wives who wanted a more prosperous life asked, "Couldn't we live
a little more luxuriously, like other Muslims do? Couldn't we have at
least a bowl of soup every day, or some prettier garments?" At first
sight, such wishes might be considered fair and just. However, they
were members of the family that was to be an example for all Muslim
families until the Last Day.

The Messenger reacted by going
into retreat. The news spread, and everyone rushed to the mosque and
began to cry. The smallest grief felt by their beloved Messenger was
enough to bring them all to tears, and even the smallest incident in
his life would disturb them. Abu Bakr and `Umar, seeing the event in a
different light as their daughters were directly involved, rushed to
the mosque. They wanted to see him, but he would not leave his retreat.
Eventually, on their third attempt, they gained entry and began to
rebuke their daughters. The Messenger saw what was happening, but only
said, "I cannot afford what they want" (Muslim).

The Qur'an declared [ O wives of the Prophet! You are not like any other women ] (Al-Ahzab 33:32).

Others
might save themselves by simply fulfilling their obligations, but those
who were at the very center of Islam had to devote themselves fully so
that no weakness would appear at the center. There were advantages in
being the Prophet's wives, but these advantages brought
responsibilities and potential risks. The Messenger was preparing them
as exemplars for all present and future Muslim women. He was especially
worried that they might enjoy the reward for their good deeds in this
world and thereby be included in [ You have exhausted your share of the good things in your life of the world and sought comfort in them ] (Al-Ahqaf 46:20).

Life
in the Prophet's house was uncomfortable. For this reason, either
explicitly or implicitly, his wives made some modest demands. As their
status was unique, they were not expected to enjoy themselves in a
worldly sense. Some godly people laugh only a few times during their
lives; others never fill their stomachs. For example, Fudayl ibn `Iyad
never laughed. He smiled only once, and those who saw him do so asked
him why he smiled, for they were greatly surprised. He told them,
"Today I learned that my son `Ali died. I was happy to hear that God
had loved him, and so I smiled" (Abu Nu`aym, Hilyat al-Awliya' ). If
there were such people outside of the Prophet's household, his wives,
who were even more pious and respectful of God and regarded as Mothers
of the Believers, would certainly be of a higher degree.

It is
not easy to merit being together with the Messenger in this world and
the hereafter. Thus, these special women were put to a great test. The
Messenger allowed them to choose his poor home or the world's luxury.
If they chose the world, he would give them whatever they wanted and
then dissolve his marriage with them. If they chose God and His
Messenger, they had to be content with their lives. This was a
peculiarity of his family. Since this family was unique, its members
had to be unique. The head of the family was chosen, as were the wives
and children.

The Messenger first called `A'ishah and said, "I want to discuss something with you. You'd better talk with your parents before making a decision."
Then he recited the verses mentioned above. Her decision was exactly as
expected from a truthful daughter of a truthful father: "O Messenger of Allah, do I need to talk with my parents? By Allah, I choose Allah and His Messenger" (Muslim).

`A'ishah
herself tells us what happened next: "The Messenger received the same
answer from all his wives. No one expressed a different opinion. They
all said what I had said." They did so because they were all at one
with the Messenger. They could not differ. If the Messenger had told
them to fast for a lifetime without break, they would have done so and
endured it with pleasure. However, they endured hardship until their
deaths.

Some of his wives had enjoyed an extravagant lifestyle
before their marriage to him. One of these was Safiyyah, who had lost
her father and husband and had been taken prisoner during the Battle of
Khaybar. She must have been very angry with the Messenger, but when she
saw him, her feelings changed completely. She endured the same destiny
as the other wives. They endured it because love of the Messenger had
penetrated their hearts.

Mothers of the Believers


Safiyyah
was a Jew. Once, she was dismayed when this fact was mentioned to her
sarcastically. She informed the Messenger, expressing her sadness. He
comforted her saying, "If they repeat it, tell
them, 'My father is Prophet Aaron, my uncle is Prophet Moses, and my
husband is, as you see, Prophet Muhammad, the Chosen One. What do you
have more than me to be proud of?'"

The Qur'an declares
that his wives are the Mothers of the Believers (Al-Ahzab 33:6).
Although 14 centuries have passed, we still feel delight in saying "my
mother" when referring to Khadijah, `A'ishah, Umm Salamah, Hafsah, and
his other wives. We feel this because of him. Some feel more love for
these women than they do for their real mothers. Certainly, this
feeling must have been deeper, warmer, and stronger in the Prophet's
own time.


The Messenger was the perfect head of a family.
Managing many women with ease, being a lover of their hearts, an
instructor of their minds, an educator of their souls, he never
neglected the affairs of the nation or compromised his duties.

The
Messenger excelled in every area of life. People should not compare him
to themselves or to the so-called great personalities of their age.
Researchers should look at him, the one to whom angels are grateful,
always remembering that he excelled in every way. If they want to look
for Muhammad they must search for him in his own dimensions. Our
imaginations cannot reach him, for we do not even know how to imagine
properly. God bestowed upon him, as His special favor, superiority in
every field.